Ahhh I can finally sit down. Even though I was sitting through the entire podcast recording. When that was finished I had to do typical chores...dishes, laundry, take care of the dogs. This morning I had to take my husband to an appointment and I was super nervous about doing this podcast. I have anxiety so I'm the type of person who will punch out last minute. For no reason. I was nervous about talking in general but you know what I was most nervous about? Bringing up old memories. Here we are 2 years later and I still am emotionally traumatized from my job.
So why did I force myself to do it? Because it's not about me. It's about our followers and our mission. Maybe it's the caregiver mentality but if it spreads just one shred of awareness then I've done my job.
As we're talking I can feel myself trying not to "humanize" some of the stories and ignore the emotion. Much like we do in the field. I was doing everything I can to block the feelings. In one of the episodes we are talking about our favorite dog breeds and why. Megan states Bernese Mountain Dog is one she instantly fell in love with. You know what the fist thing that fell into my head was? My first day on the job at an ER hospital there was a Bernese Mountain Dog that was brought in for a bloat. I had been working in a general practice for a little over a year between moves. I was a little rusty. But like riding a bike I picked it back up. The dog was prepped and into surgery in less than 5 minutes. The dog ended up needing to be euthanized because it was torsed for too long and the stomach lost blood supply. Do you ever feel like you bring back luck? That's how I felt that day.
It's really easy for us to absorb that guilt for every patient. Every case. It isn't even our job to "diagnose" per say but we know exactly what is wrong with a male cat that can't or isn't urinating. That's an "oh shit bring him in NOW" moment where we have to beat around the bush to say your cat WILL die if you don't. If that owner doesn't come in you feel like crap. You did everything you know to do yet you still take the blame. With 15 minute appointments depending on where you work for however long you're open....that's a lot of blame.
It should not be that hard to find something happy and positive about working in the veterinary field. I shouldn't have to fight back tears to talk about the Australian shepherd puppies I helped deliver came back happy and healthy but one of their siblings I had to euthanize because it had intestines born on the outside. I had plenty of fun times in my career. Tons of success stories. Those are so easily shadowed by the sad ones.
You know what? We're human. We can only take so much. At some point you're going to break. If you don't give yourself the time and love you so freely give to others I promise you it will happen. You can only fight back the anger, sadness, and trauma for so long. We are forced to go day to day like nothing happened. Like I didn't just leave a euthanasia for a pet I knew for years. Like a dog didn't just die in the back because it was hit by a car. If you don't give yourself time to grieve, because that's what we need to do, you're going to snap.
I preach self care, self love, mental health, etc. not to sound like a broken record. Although, sometimes I feel that way. I do it because I've been there. I do not want another single person to go through what I went through. Do I blame the clinics I worked at for this? No. However, a better support system from them would have been helpful. This is why I'm so blunt and outspoken about things. Life is too short to be unhappy - whether in life or at work.
So how do I deal with my personal demons? I create a support group to help others and write a blog to let my emotions out :)
Shena Humbert, LVT
Not Another Vet Nurse
