Happy New Year!
I would be lying if I said I wasn't happy 2020 is over. Who's with me?!
This group has been around going on 2 years. I have been nothing but an open book about who I am, but I haven't been completely honest. On the outside I appear to be the most put together, positive person on the planet. But, I am here to tell you that is all an act. I'm sure you're thinking "Oh my goodness Shena how could you lie to us?!" Let's be real, none of us are perfect. We all have things that we hide deep within our soul that we hope we never need to bring it up again. Well, it's a new year and it's time to be real.
Buckle up ya'll, this is my story. It isn't pretty, it isn't happy, but it's real.
We all know where I'm from, I make that pretty clear. Texas - God's country (i'm joking, but seriously haha). I was technically born in California, but when I was 8 years old my parents divorced. We moved to Texas, my sister was born and the rest is history. Shit, I wish.
When I was 19 or 20 I was in a bad car accident that totaled my brand new car. When they say accidents happen close to your house, they're right. I was rear ended waiting to turn left into my neighborhood. I then spun into oncoming traffic and hit that car until I stopped facing the other direction. I had seatbelt marks, that's how hard I was hit. I had to exit the vehicle from the passenger door because the drivers door was hit by the oncoming car. I was taken to the hospital in an ambulance. My entire life changed in the literal blink of an eye. To this day I will go out of my way to turn left on a one way road.
I was out of a car, out of a job, in physical therapy for my neck/hip pain, and the bills were piling up. So many bills. My mother and I never really got along when I was younger, but she still somehow always believed in me. More than I ever really believed in myself. I spent the better part of my childhood and adult life being so mad at her for the divorce, that I never even noticed.
Since I was 10 I wanted to be a veterinarian. I knew I wanted to work with animals. However, I have never really been a person that liked school. I wanted instant gratification. Not all the bullshit in between. My mom found a program for Veterinary Technicians in Colorado. I had never even heard of a vet tech. But I was like "Shit yeah!" Let's move 800 miles away from my family and hometown. I had never lived alone a second in my life. My mom busted her ass for my sister and I growing up. This sounds shitty to say, but I didn't want to be like that. So this was the road I was taking.
So here I am, little 19 or 20 year old me from Dallas, TX moving to Denver, CO. Do ya'll know what is in Colorado that Texas doesn't have? SNOW! I had literally never driven in snow a day in my life. Oh, and I was in a busted ass Mitsubishi Mirage (because ya know, car accident) and I was gonna make something of myself. Ok, Shena (insert eye-roll emoji). So my mom and I drove up in my little 2 door car with whatever I could fit in there, to include my damn cat (may she rest in peace). Oh, I had failed to tell you I was hung the fuck over. When Shena parties, she parties hard. Ahhhh, my twenties.
I went to this program called Bel-Rea Institute. I'm sure some of you may recognize the name. It was a fine program, but it wasn't cheap and it wasn't at all what I had expected. My roommate and I made the best of it, but it was difficult. Needless to say we both only made it through 2 quarters. I think?
Now a lot of this is a blur because I suppress these memories for a reason, they're difficult. I cannot remember the month, but at some point I had learned that my mother had committed a crime and was in jail. It is extremely hard to explain the feelings that go through your mind with that information. This is when I remember my life going downhill. I got heavily into drugs and alcohol. For my 21st birthday I remember thinking for the first time I didn't care if I woke up the next morning. Ya'll, I was in a hole.
My mother was in jail but she could still call me. Though I was so mad at her I didn't want to talk to her. I was using every day you guys. I was so stupid to think that no one knew. I went to work high guys, work. My mother knew. Mom's know everything. I remember feeling like nothing mattered. I didn't give a shit if I lived or died. I wasn't "suicidal" per say, but I had nothing to live for anymore. I was so deep I remember going to a drug dealers house and there was a gun on the table. A FUCKING gun. Like, no big deal just a gun on the table to kill whoever pisses them off. You would think that was enough for me to snap out of it, but nah it wasn't. I told myself every day "this is my last time using." Every. Fucking. Day.
Do you know why people turn to substances? Because they don't want to feel, and that was exactly why I used. I didn't want to feel the hurt and anger of what my mother did. It was too much. I'm here to tell you the drugs don't take away the pain, it just numbs it long enough for you to need more. And that is what happened every time I used.
Finally, my then roommate, now friend, was moving back home to Maine. Our lease was up and with no job and no money I couldn't find a place to live. I was on the verge of being homeless. Real fucking winner here. I had talked to my mom, who was out on bail until her trial, and she convinced me to come back home. Like I needed convincing. I was about to be homeless. However, that didn't stop me from trying to reach out one-last-time to my dealer. What a mess I was. So one day I packed up my car, cat and all, and with the help of my grandparents headed back home. I slept most of the way because that's what they call "coming down." Honestly, a lot of it is a blur. I remember going to back to see my mom, but then went to live with my grandparents because they were able to help support me.
Almost immediately I got enrolled in the local community college. Regardless of what I had been through, my dream was still real. I wanted to work with animals. The college had a Veterinary Technology program and so I worked towards that goal. I'm not going to lie and say it wasn't difficult because I struggled every single day of getting sober. I went to narcotics anonymous every week. I felt things I never wanted to feel, but I needed to feel.
Then...I remember like it was yesterday. I was in my English class. I had received a call from my mom's then husband. She had went to trial and got her sentence, 16 years. I don't remember much after that except dropping to the ground and crying. Sixteen years of not getting to see my mother. Sixteen years of having to figure out my life. Sixteen years of missed birthdays and Christmas's. Sixteen fucking years. There are zero words to explain what this felt like. I had never felt more alone in my entire life.
They say you never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.
That saying could never be more true. This was where I learned how to take it one day at a time. Not just because of narcotics anonymous, but my entire life events. If I even thought about the 16, or 15, or 14 years left I would lose it. But if I just focused on getting through today, then I had accomplished something. Insert Bob Marley's "Three Little Birds" song. This song got me through 90% of my mother being incarcerated. He reminded me that every little thing IS going to be alright.
So, why am I telling you all of this? Because so often we get buried in the bullshit. We often forget that each and every one of us has a story. Some worse than ours, but nonetheless a story. Someone ALWAYS has or had it worse. These moments in my life have shaped me into the person I am today. They have shaped me into the veterinary nurse I am today. Into the wife I am today. It has taken me years to even be able to tell this story. I used to be embarrassed. Sure, we are going to get down. We are going to have days where we just want to give up. Had I given up and just let myself use to the point of not waking up I wouldn't be here today to tell my story.
Let's be nicer to each other, our patients, our clients, and more importantly ourselves.
Life is 50% what happens to us, 50% what we make of it, and 100% perspective.
Now my mother and I have a great relationship. We are closer than we have ever been. She is on her final year of parole and I couldn't be happier. She is a much stronger, positive person since all of this happened. Do I wish she could have seen me graduate college, get married, and buy my first home? Of course! But that is not the life I was dealt, and I'm OK with that.
It took my mom going to prison, me going through 15 years of being a vet nurse, and losing someone to suicide to finally realize that life really is precious. That along with my veterinary career is why this group exists. Do not waste it. You only get one shot. Fucking use it wisely.
Much love,
Shena
Not Another Vet Nurse